And who woulda thought....it figures.

Perhaps Alanis should have added this little anecdote to her infamous ditty-o-ironies in that 1995 hit song...

Jeff impulsively purchased a big-boy cell phone plan last week. (This, after 14 years of a "free" Radio Shack "employee" plan that was no longer making sense financially since he somehow kept going over the "generous" plan allotment of about 12 minutes per month with no free nights or weekends.)

I was very, very proud of him. Way to take the bull by the horns and do something completely impulsive for a change, babe!, I thought.

His weapon of choice? Why a brand spankin' new iPhone 3Gs, of course.  And just as immediately as he had signed away his first-born in a binding 2-year agreement with AT & T, he was in love.

iPhone love.

He sat for countless hours on the couch with her, whispering sweet nothings into her speaker. Caressing her soft, silky, touch-screen, app-filled curves with his fingertips. Singing to along with her. Sneaking out to the car with her at night for some alone time. Feeding her chocolate covered strawberries on a bearskin rug, in front of a roaring fireplace.(While elevator-inspired, saxophone renditions of early 90's Boyz II Men songs serenaded them.)

I was beginning to feel like a third wheel in my own house...Tres bizarre.

On day five of this love affair, he drove to work.

It was a Thursday.

And at lunchtime that day, he called me on the verge of tears a very manly breakdown.

Upper management had apparently called an "important" meeting that day. And to paraphrase, it went something like this:

"We know that a bunch of you have iPhones, however they just aren't secure enough for use at our company any more. Having said that, after today, we will be issuing you all...brand new BLACKBERRIES!"
(*this is the part where Jeff's heart stopped beating for a few minutes straight, and he went into a semi-permanent state of shock.)

And just as immediately and as intensely as he had fallen in love in the first place...he began a four-day (and very textbook, might I add,) journey through Kubler-Ross's Stages of Grief.

Stage 1: Denial. "This cannot f**king be happening right now! I mean, come ON! Are you SERIOUS?? I FINALLY cave and get a plan less than a WEEK ago-a plan that allowed me to be fully connected at all times at work, and at home- and now I can't even use the phone!? This is a joke, This is a sick freaking joke....I don't believe it."

Stage 2: Anger.  "This is BULLS**T! I am pissed. Seriously. I just spent a week learning and falling in love with the iPhone. I've downloaded all of my contacts. My apps. My music. My pictures. How do they expect me to go from the iPhone to THAT? It's like going from a Lexus to a Kia. Ridiculous, that's what this is. F**king ridiculousness..."

Stage 3: Bargaining. "Ok Trace...Fine. I get it- you are going to get the iPhone and I will one day be okay with that, but can I just spend the rest of the weekend with her? I promise, that's all I need. Just one more FULL day. Let me just use the ridiculously convenient touch-screen Chipotle App ONCE more to order myself a Carnitas burrito without EVER having to take my finger off the screen and/or speak to a live human being...Just ONE more time. Please. That's all I am asking..."

Stage 4: Depression. Well, folks-- this is where we are today. And where we were yesterday. And, come to think of it--the day before that, too.  He miraculously seemed to whiz right through stages 1-3, but we are at a standstill here at stage four. As I write this now, he sits sulking on the couch, staring down at the very unfamiliar (and not as sleek) scroll-ball based Blackberry. He detests it. His face is pinched and mean when he looks at it. Almost like he's mad at it. Resentful of everything that it lacks. The navigation bars and menus aren't as intuitive, and the lack of a touch-screen is something to be mourned. My heart aches for him, and I feel tremendously guilty that I have inherited the previous love of his life. (Was it wrong of me to adorn her in a stylish new pink and purple 'Speck' case today-- a far cry from the masculine black one that he had dressed her in for the first 4 days of her life?? Too soon....?)

Stage 5: Acceptance. I am hoping that we reach this place soon. VERY soon. He has been moping around the house like a 6-year old boy who lost his pet goldfish for 3 days now, and frankly, he's got to move on. Honey, if you are reading this, PLEASE pick yourself up by your bootstraps and truck on ahead.  The Blackberry isn't the worst thing in the world. At least it's FREE, right?! That's pretty huge. (which is also what she said.) It will help us trim some of the financial fat from our budget and you can still use her on the weekends, okay? Just keep telling yourself that it's not goodbye, it's "See ya soon"...



 And that, my friends, is way more ironic than ten thousand spoons when all ya need is a knife. Or, rain on your wedding day. (Which, I've always felt, falls far more appropriately under the category of "bad luck" than "irony," no? And while we're on topic, isn't wedding-day rain actually supposed to promote luck? I digress...)

The silver lining to all of this is?  Why, of course, that I have adopted one pretty cool little gadget! I went from a 2005 flip-phone to a George Jetson-worthy apparatus in under a week. And contrary to Jeff's beliefs, I am actually very excited about all the fun things I'll be able to do with her!  (So what if my only favorite "app" at the moment happens to be Ava's Zoo matching game?) I've only had her for a day. Give me some time. Allow us to get to know each other....and I'm sure that by the end of the week, I'll be just as head-over-heels gaga about this adorable little contraption as my hubby once was- in a lifetime a long, long time ago.