Allow me to fill you in on the past few days:

1). First chiropractic appointment with Dr. M on Monday afternoon. Findings: My neck is straight. Which in theory, (and from my stick-figure drawing days,) sounds like it would be an okay thing. However from a Chiropractic standpoint, "straightneck" is a very bad condition. Apparently, your neck is supposed to have a natural "C" curvature to support the massive 8 pounds of noggin that sits atop it...and mine has increasingly, over the years, lost this curvature and progressed into a straight line. In addition to this, my lower back pretty much sucks and the distance between the disks is eroding...so we need to work on that, too. He pretty much told me that I will need to be seen three times a week for four weeks in the beginning (I will apparently have to start raiding my childrens' piggy banks and/or playing guitar at Alewife station to make this happen, since my insurance covers NONE of this...) and then once a month for maintenance thereafter. But really, how can you put a price tag on your health? And so with financial apprehension (but high hopes of physical relief,) I began treatment Monday. And overall, this first visit went well except for 3 teeny, tiny things:


A) While explaining the towel exercise I was to be doing at home every night, Dr. M said to me (of the towel that I was to use), "Make sure it is at least a nice thick 6 inches in diameter and FIRM when you grab it. It will feel the best this way, especially while lying on your back." (Now if that doesn't constitute a Global "That's What She Said" award, or at least a close runner-up, I don't know what would...) I had to avoid eye contact with Jeff at all costs in the aftermath of this statement, as to not burst into completely juvenile, inappropriate laughter in front of a very classy, very professional, very crisp-collared Dr. M.


B) Let's just say that my first adjustment laying on the table could have gone...better. He first adjusted my spine, which meant that I was laying on the table on my belly. That was an easy enough position for me to get into, considering I was able to look down, see the table, gauge where I needed to position myself, and lay on it. Cake. However when he told me that he was then going to do my neck and that I would need to lay on my back on the table-- it was a completely different story. Mainly, because my neck and back are so ridiculously stiff & immobile right now, that I am unable to turn my neck at all to see where I am going. (think Tin-Man in Wizard of Oz: "Oil....oil...") That said, as I was attempting to lay on the table, I apparently over-shot the distance between the donut-shaped thingy (that your head is supposed to cradle itself in,) and--well-- Dr. M's crotch. Yup, that's right folks. Visit #1, and I lay my head directly upon his PENIS. With an abrupt "Whoops, let's just scoot you down a little more," and a humiliating few moments of silence that ensued, Dr. M and I both somehow ended up surviving this completely shameful ordeal. (Sidenote, I'm sure Dr. M's little patient file for me probably now reads something like "Watch out for this skanky little whore. She'll won't stop at anything, including faking "stiff-neck" to cop a back-of-her-head-feel of manhood regions...")


Now for those of you who may still be unclear as to the visual of this circumstance, I have taken the liberty of attempting to illustrate it for you. (MAJOR DISCLAIMER: I am not an artist. Not even close. My 4-year old daughter draws better stick people than I do, no lie.) Having said that....allow me to "illustrate" for you the turn of events that took place at the chiropractic office on Monday, March 15, 2010.

PHASE 1: Dr. M is quite happily waiting for me to lay on my back on the table. Please note how his crotchal region hugs the donut-shaped area where my head is supposed to lay:

PHASE 2: "The incident" occurs:

PHASE 3: Complete, painful awkwardness for many, many moments.

C) And for the third and final reason why this visit didn't pan out so well:  I had a miserable stomach ache the ENTIRE duration of the appointment, but attributed it to a new medication that I had taken earlier that morning....I was wrong. Which leads us to tidbit #2 of "filling you in on my week."



2). Got slammed with the STOMACH BUG that everyone who is anyone in New England has acquired in the past month. I thought we'd escaped it here, but alas, no. Immediately upon arriving home from the Chiro, my stomach ache was way worse, waves of nausea were coming faster and faster, and I was shivering. Freezing cold. Add warm comfy jammies, a down comforter, a fleece blanket, a 74-degree house thermostat reading... and I was still freezing. This is when Jeff brought out the big guns-- also known as the Braun Thermoscan Ear thermometer-- and confirmed with a reading of 102.9 that this was, in fact, me being sick and not some freak adverse reaction to a medication. Crap. I proceeded to spend the better part of the evening next to a vomit bucket convulsing, shivering, having hot flashes, shivering more, dry-heaving, hallucinating, having every joint in my body ache (do fingernails count? they were aching too...), and--well-- expelling things from my body in gross ways that not only do you have no interest in reading about, but I have no interest in recounting in words. Therefore, Jeff had to take 1/2 the morning off from work today (which is less than ideal considering how much time he's already taken off this year to aid his perma-sick wife...) while I laid in bed unable to move. Fortunately my Mom was able to come for the remainder of the day so hubbster could get into work for a few hours, while I continued to lay in bed completely unable to move. (Until about 2 hours ago when I finally hobbled into the living room to slump in the recliner, now only partially unable to move...hey, progress is progress, right?)



And that, my friends, is all of the excitement ridiculousness that you've missed over the past few days. Riveting, I know. Stay tuned for the remainder of the week as I tackle Chiro appointments # 2 and #3, and please pray that Dr. M and I are both able to escape these visits with zero inappropriate head-to-crotch contact. Oh, and if you could also please pray that this nasty stomach bug magically disappears by tomorrow morning, leaving the rest of my family unscathed, that'd be swell too...Thanks :-)