"The early bird gets the worm." And this is what I get...

It all started this morning around 8:57 am, as my daughter enthusiastically informed me (as I zipped her coat to head out to the car for school,)

"Mommy, I really really would please like to try the 'stay for lunch' program at school today, okay?!"

(*please note that school drop-off is at 9:15 and our commute to get there is 15 minutes, assuming all green lights, and not being stuck behind a school bus and/or a 92-year-old man in a Lincoln Town car).
Mind you, I have been begging her to try the lunch program since, oh, October. So I'm thinking in my head,

"Are you kidding me, little girl- Why are you springing this on me now?! Your brother is all bundled up in his car-seat, your boots and hat are on, the car is already running in the driveway, and I don't have a lunch to send you with...!"

But before I can respond, I am suddenly overwhelmed by the glorious prospect of an extra hour-and-a-half of quality errand-running time with my little man, and I decide that I've got to just roll with it.  

"That's great honey!" I reply. "Just give Mum a minute to make you a lunch and then we'll go."

I didn't even have time to think, and in a Tazmanian devil-like haze, the fastest lunch-making in the history of lunch-making began. To be honest, what ensued over the next 1 minute and 13 seconds still remains a mystery;  but in the end, thin-and-trim oven roasted turkey, land-o-lakes American cheese, and Arnold's country white bread had miraculously transformed into something loosely resembling a sandwich.  A small bag of Smartfood popcorn, 2 strawberry McNougall's (see older post), a Capri Sun juice pouch, and one teal Tinkerbell lunchbox later, and we were in business!
Ultimately, we made it to school by 9:17-- not bad considering the very last minute lunch-mergency. I walked her in, helped her take off her coat & boots and slip into her robe & slippers (it was pajama day, by the way), hugged her goodbye, and Gav & I headed back for the car.

Now those of you sans kiddos might not understand this, but an extra 90 minutes in Mommy time really equals like 5 hours in normal human time. Just the idea of this had me walking on air!  (The only thing that could have elevated my mood at that moment was a little Jefferson Starship "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now!" in the background...but alas I settled for the first thing on the radio- LL Cool J's "Doin' It").
 As I pulled out of my parking space, I knew exactly which errand trumped all other errands, and would dominate today's agenda: THE CALENDAR QUEST. Now until this past few weeks, I never relized this, but if you don't purchase a wall calendar by like the middle of December, buena suerte trying to find one. Over the past few weeks I  have been everywhere searching for a calendar. CVS, Hallmark Store, Target, WalMart, KMart, Walgreens, just to name a few. The response from token unenthusiastic Emo retail clerk is eerily the same:
"Uhh, no, we've been sold out of those for, like, a wicked long time now."
(mind you, I began my quest around the first week of January...how it is that every major calendar retailer in the state of Massacshuetts is sold out by then is beyond me...but I digress...)
Anywho, I decide that this will be the day, and that with our extra 90 minutes,Gav & I will find a calendar.
So off we drive to the Burlington Mall. During the drive there, I am picturing a kiosk and a bright red "Everything must go! 75% off all calendars" sign and a sketchy kiosk-guy doused in way too much Eternity. I decide that, at this discount, it will be such a fantastic deal that I'll also buy one for Ava's room, and one for the playroom. Maybe even one for Jeff's office too?? Whoa, whoa. Let's not get too crazy, I tell myself.
So I continue to visualize this kiosk. It lives right outside of the Cheesecake factory entrance, and decide that this is where I'll park today. And since we're nice and early, we find a prime spot about 12 feet from the door (score!) and in we walk. The mall is just opening at this hour, and the kiosk workers are just now beginning to unroll their overnight canvas tarps and unveil their treasures. However, as I stroll up and down kiosk-Lane, I am not seeing a calendar one. Pro-Activ, Japanese hair threading (!?), pillow pets, the Italian ceramic hair curler/straightener, electric smokeless cigarettes, and Bear Paw boots....but no calendars. After a few trips up and down, the main drag, the tall Israeli woman at the hair curler/straightener booth asks me what I am looking for.

"Calendars?"

"Oh, no honey, no more calendars. They gone day after Christmas. But you do have beautiful hair, may I straighten for you?"

I pretend not to have heard the latter part of the statement and cut her off with an abrupt
 "Oh, bummer, thanks bye!" (quick back story- one night several months ago, she came chasing after Ava & I with aforementioned ceramic straightener/curler and conned me into letting Ava sit at her booth for 50 minutes (!) while she turned my little girl into Shirley Temple's hair double, and then tried to "persuade" (harass) me into purchasing said straightener for $220.)

After narrowly escaping Kiosk Lane, Gav & I head up the elevator and I am filled with excitement as I remember Walden Books, the bookstore upstairs. Yes! They'll definitely have some, I think to myself, and smile. It wasn't long before we got upstairs and were quickly reminded that the bookstore was replaced with a Lucky Brand Jeans and another Dellaria spa last fall.  Grrr! This is the point at which I realize we must take our quest elsewhere, since everything else in this mall sells strictly clothing or food. No calendar luck here.
On the way back out to the car, I brilliantly remember that Barnes & Noble is across the street and they MUST have a plethora of calendars! I feel kind of sheepish for not thinking of them sooner, but am once again excited about what I'll find. So back into the car we go, drive the 3 minutes across the street, and are soon inside the 20,000 square-foot book warehouse that is B & N.  I walk right up to the information desk.

"Hi, could you please point me in the direction of wall calendars?"

The 82-year old, white- haired woman behind the desk (who looks freakishly identical to Estelle Getty, only a little taller,) smiles hesitantly and begins to shake her head. "Oh, we only have very few left, if any. We've been outta those for a while now. But follow me, I'll show you where they would be..."

We make our way to a very sad little aisle end-cap, and we both squat down to examine the leftovers. Words truly can't do justice for the awkwardness that ensues, as Estelle picks up the few stray calendars, shimmies her thick reading glasses up to her eyes, and embarrassingly  realizes that 3 of the 5 titles are:

"Porn for Women 2010"

"2010 Playboy"

and

"Girls of Brazil 2010"

Estelle turns beet red and stands up immediately, "You know what they say dear, the early bird gets the worm-- you should have looked sooner!"  She scurries away faster than I would have assumed her legs were capable of moving, and I am left there with the 3 choices listed above, as well as:

"Bible Verses"

and

"Wolverine:3D"

Needless to say, none of these options seemed viable for my cozy, contemporary, Martha Stewarty kitchen wall, and so we left calendar-less and defeated.

The moral of the story? Apparently, when it comes to wall calendars, the early bird really does get the pick of the litter. And the late worms, like myself, get nude Brazilian models, Biblical passages, and  a Marvel Comics Wolf as options.  Looks like next year I'll be doing my calendar shopping in October.